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Know Who You’re Really Having the Conversation With… November 7, 2013

Posted by Ann Bertorelli in Uncategorized.
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I just finished typing the title to this post and the former English teacher in me(many, many jobs ago) cringed at at a sentence ending with a preposition. So if you’re one of those proper grammar types, we can go with “Know With Whom You’re Really Having the Conversation.” It sounds stodgy but it is grammatically sound. ( I think I need to get out more—I’m starting to have conversations with myself.)

Conversations With Others Grow Relationships—Or Not

But I digress…Back to conversations with OTHERS. It is through conversations that we either grow our relationship with another or diminish it. Of course, we mostly want to have better relationships with others. And if we don’t we’re probably not going to have conversations with them anyway. I’ve been thinking about how sometimes we end up in the middle of a conversation and realize that we’re really talking to someone from our past.

A wonderfully illustrative example… You have a co-worker who is Wendy Whiner—always complaining, awfulizing, seeing the worst possible outcomes for a situation. And it’s that tone of voice that reminds you of running your fingernails on a blackboard…eeek. And she just gets on your very last nerve.

Ever wonder why that is? She doesn’t seem to affect everyone in the way she affects you. So gee, it must be something about you. Could it be that she reminds you of your whiny baby sister who always got her way, never did her chores, and was spoiled rotten by your parents (your story)?  And who to this day you really don’t like being around?

You’re Not Talking to the Right Person

Ding, ding, ding…so when you hear your whiny co-worker you are really hearing your sister. You’re not talking to Wendy Whiner, you’re talking to your sister…

Snap Out of It

So what’s to be done about it? Well, first—snap out of it! Be present to the conversation that’s going on in front of you, not the one that is playing in your head. Take deep breaths and be conscious that Wendy is not baby sister.

A lot of us have voices from the past that we allow to make us feel guilty, unattractive, fat, stupid, or any number of undesirable qualities. When I was a kid, I was not very good in math. My dad was a chemist so he was very good in math. He couldn’t understand why I didn’t get it. So he would sit down with me and have ‘coaching’ sessions to help me with my math. However these sessions always ended up with him yelling at me when I couldn’t get the right answer. Needless to say, I grew up with a bit of a math block. (Aside: my dad was a great dad, just not a great math teacher.)

Fast forward twenty years…I decided to go for my MBA and of course had to take a number of courses that involved math. ( I still shiver when I think about the statistics course) I knew that I couldn’t finish my MBA work unless I did the math.  I wanted to get my MBA. So I made a conscious declaration to silence that voice in my head that said I couldn’t do math—And I did.

Moral of the Story?

Yes, it took something to do it but I was determined. The moral of the story? If you’ve got a difficult relationship in your life(or a bunch of them), get to work and figure out who you might be hearing when they speak to you. Then tell that voice to be quiet and go sit in the corner. You’ll probably have to repeat yourself numerous times but just the self-awareness you bring to the process will make a change for the better…Honest!

 

If you’ve got a difficult someone at work (or anywhere) and would like to look into getting coaching about how to create a more productive relationship with him or her, contact me to schedule a coaching information session. Click on this link to schedule: My Calendar

 

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A Sure Fire Way to Improve Difficult Work Relationships–Part 2 October 29, 2013

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Sure Fire Way to Improve Difficult Work Relationships October 24, 2013

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Visit my web site at www.nomoredramaatwork.com

The Most Important Relationship in Your Life August 18, 2013

Posted by Ann Bertorelli in Uncategorized.
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bydavidshankbone

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately—not surprising since I am a relationship coach. And I’ve taken a lot of time lately in between marathon sessions on the internet to think about relationships and what could make them better for people.

I’ve come to the conclusion that most of us have relationship breakdowns because we are not in touch with who we are and are oblivious to what we bring to our relationships with others.

Lack of Self-esteem?

What do I mean by that? I mean that often our own lack of self-esteem gets in the way of our seeing good things in others. Or it has us become envious of those that we think are doing better in life than we are. And because it’s in our ‘background of obviousness’ (all my coaching clients are now groaning in uniso) we don’t get how it’s coloring what we see ‘out there.’

The Ever-present ‘Background of Obviousness’

Ok, for those of you who don’t know the term, it’s all that stuff about us and our way of seeing the world that it so much a part of us that it recedes into the background. It’s like the chair that you’re (probably) sitting on at the moment. Did you think about it at all until I mentioned it? I doubt it. And just like that chair, our value system and what we ‘know’ about ourselves is lurking somewhere out of our conscious knowledge.

But we sure do act on it, every minute of every day. Part of being more present in our interactions with others is to be able to step back and observe those things. Until we notice it, I mean really see it for what it is, we can’t change it.

First, Start with Yourself

Our relationship with ourself is the first one we need to work on to make the other relationships in our lives more fulfilling, functional, and healthy.

I bet you’re wondering how you work on that relationship. Thought you’d never ask.

Start with Intention 

The first thing to do is to have the intention that you really want to look at the things about you that don’t serve you. Sounds obvious, right? Well, it takes a certain amount of bravery and determination to step into really looking at our own foibles and sometimes it’s just too overwhelming. But as is often said, if you’re going to eat an elephant you do that by taking one bite at a time. (Who the heck would ever want to eat an elephant, anyway?)

Love Yourself

Another thing to do is to start loving yourself more. What? Don’t we all love ourselves? Nope, we don’t. Otherwise why would people take drugs, engage in self-sabotage, refuse to set boundaries in relationships with others, engage in all kinds of avoidance behavior to get out of taking care of ourselves—to name just a few.

Here’s How

I know, I know, now you’re thinking about how to love yourself more. Here are some of my tried and true strategies:

· Say no when you don’t want to do something. If you don’t want to do something that someone asks of you or because you’re afraid of how it would look, then just say no. (That sounds like it could be a good advertising slogan.)

· Give yourself the gift of time. Rather than running here and there and everywhere trying to avoid your issues, just sit with them. If you’re angry, then be angry. If you’re sad then be sad. And if you’re joyful, tell the world. Avoiding stuff just causes it to go inside and reside in your body—not a good place to store it. It can pop out when you least expect it as dis-ease.

· Drop the habit of always putting the needs of others before your own. Practice once a week putting yourself first—see the first bullet. And do it with a guilt-free conscience—or fake it till you make it.

· Love your body. This one can be difficult for a lot of us. Not to let the male readers off the hook, but this one is rampant among women. We are bombarded with messages every single day about body image: what our body should look like, what we should weigh, how we should dress, and so on. It gets hard to love our bodies. Know what? Just say no. (Oops, I used that line already, but it fits.) Stomp your foot, figuratively or metaphorically and refuse to hate your body for just being what it is. If you want to lose weight do it because you want to not because you think you should. If you like your clogs from 1982, then wear them proudly. If your hips are too wide to fit into a size 12, then buy a size 14 with a smile.

Lately I have been contemplating the wonders of my body. I’m in my 60’s and I am just blown away by the fact that my heart has been pumping continuously for all these years. It just amazes me when I think about it—and I am so grateful. I’m also grateful for all the wonderful experiences my body has taken me through in this lifetime. Seeing the Grand Canyon, Europe, and the Caribbean, having a baby, learning to dance the tango, smelling pine trees after a rain, and……well, you get the idea. It’s wondrous.

So how about spending more time thinking about the wondrous than dwelling on what is not present. If you stop worrying about what is not there you’ll have a better chance of creating it later on. But if you keep dwelling on it not being there, you’ll have no room for the good stuff. Ok, sermonette over.

We all want to live happier more fulfilled lives. And mostly that happiness is directly related to the success of the important relationships in our lives.

My very best advice is to start with the person who’s reading this post. (You!) And if you get stuck, I know a really good coach. Smile

Ann 

www.lifecoachingwithspirit.com

They Say It’s Your Birthday… July 18, 2013

Posted by Ann Bertorelli in My Life as I See It, Self-Development.
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1348_687167021310513_1966544250_nToday is my birthday! Usually I just quietly observe the day and let it pass. But with Facebook in my life, I get a million birthday wishes. Wow…who’d have thought? And I actually kinda like it.

Today’s a 22 master number day

I also found by reading the blog of my favorite astrologer of the moment that today is one of the eleven ‘22 master number days’ of 2013. As near as I can figure out these are supposed to be days of increased energy and days to move forward with your plans by taking action and getting things going.

A Rampage of Window Washing

I must say, this has been a pretty high energy day for me. And what have I done? Wait for it….I’ve been washing windows. In fact, I’ve gone on a window washing rampage. .Go figure. It has just suddenly become very important to me to have a clear view out of my windows. I even raided my next door neighbors’’ recycling for their old newspapers. These are great for washing windows—just in case you’re getting the urge to wash yours.

A Metaphor for seeing clearly

I think the last time I washed windows was about 3 years ago. Why wash them when it just rains and gets them dirty again? But something is different for me now. I think it’s probably a good metaphor for seeing clearly about what’s going on in my life, what I’d like to achieve and how I’d like to live the next phase of my life.

So now that my windows are washed, I’m taking care of other things that seem to be productive actions toward some goals I’ve set for myself. I’m even doing this blog post, this on the heels of having posted a mere three days ago.

Use these days to your advantage

I think these high energy days when they come (and who knows when they will appear) are wonderful opportunities to get some important things accomplished and more importantly to feel good about what you’ve done.

So don’t waste the 22 master number day…go for it! The next one is July 27th and the one after that is August 8. If you’d like to see the entire list, you probably will need to sign up for Elizabeth Peru’s newsletter. You can try this link Elizabeth Peru to find the other 22 master number days for the year.

Now I’m going to eat cake…

 

OH,PS If you haven’t visited my new web site yet, get the heck over there. I’m working on some cool new coaching offerings to be rolled out as soon as I can get them done. You don’t want to miss them, do you? Well, get on my mailing list and you’ll be the first to know.

www.lifecoachingwithspirit.com

Be there or be square…

The More Real You Get… July 15, 2013

Posted by Ann Bertorelli in Uncategorized.
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As you have probably figured out by now, the focus of my coaching is on relationships. Relationships with others, the relationship with yourself. I believe that it’s wise and productive to be intentional about what you want to create in your relationships. And I like to practice what I preach.

Suffering fools

Today I did something that I don’t often do. I did not hold my tongue but pretty much said what I was thinking and what’s more I did not apologize for it. (Now before those of you who have coached with me think that I have suddenly had a frontal lobotomy—let me specify that I am talking about a family relationship here, not a coaching one. In coaching another, I mostly (but now always, say exactly what I’m thinking).

But today, I had just had enough of the dynamics of this particular relationship. It’s one that I have been tiptoeing around for a long time—doing my best to keep it on an even keel, trying hard not to rock the boat. Forgiving and trying to see the bright side of the person’s actions and personality. But today—today, my last nerve was stomped on and I just spoke my truth without prettying it up.

Usually when I do this I feel bad about it later and think that perhaps I could have been a better, more loving person, etc, etc. Today, I gave up that story and just stepped right in it because I felt the situation called for it. The other person termed me rude and if that was the way I came across then so be it.

Your relationship with yourself is important

One’s relationship with oneself is every bit as important as those we have with others. To keep on keeping your mouth shut in the face of what you view as injustice, lack of ethics and moral standards, or whatever else gets you torqued up, can be detrimental to your health and well-being.

About 10 years ago, I was in a relationship with a person that I really cared about and one which I wanted to continue. However, his actions befuddled and hurt me. I spent about two months not addressing it and lo and behold, I found that my jaw began to hurt constantly—I mean really hurt. It was all that biting back of my words that did it. Once I noticed that, I put an immediate end to the situation.

The first relationship to work on is the one you have with yourself. To keep denying that which is your truth can be very destructive and unhealthy in the long run. Sometimes standing in your own power and being okay with who and what you are is the hardest, yet most self-affirming thing you can do for yourself.

Know who and what you are

Once you’re comfortable with who you are and what makes sense to you in the world, you are better able to get on with the business of having relationships with others. In order to keep your own identity in any relationship, it’s helpful to know what you bring to the table: the good, the bad and/or the ugly. From there you can do your work on yourself and be a solid participant in any relationship you choose to pursue—family, friends, business colleagues, lovers.

I’m feeling pretty good, in spite of having an unpleasant exchange with someone else. Do you have a situation or two that needs to be addressed with some candor? Are there some eggshells you need to stomp on? Maybe it’s time to be who you want to be.

Sign up for a free strategy session

If you’d like to coach with me, visit www.lifecoachingwithspirit.com and sign up for a strategy session. Or email me at ann@lifecoachingwithspirit.com.

Small Things Can Make a Difference June 16, 2013

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baseball by theseanster93

Last week I attended a baseball game for out local team. It was a great night out for our family filled with all the stuff that says hometown and wholesome family activities. And to finish the night off, there were fireworks—what else?

The Monkee Swing

While I was watching the game I found myself watching the people more than the game, especially since the Fightin’ Phils couldn’t buy a run: they lost 6-0. Every so often a guy in a team sweat shirt would position himself at the bottom of the bleachers where we were sitting. Without a word, he would begin to do a double-arm motion that I had seen lots of people doing at the park. It looks a little like the Monkees used to do—if you remember back that far. After a few minutes of this action, most people in the bleachers were following suit and pretty soon most of the crowd was involved. The guy was totally serious about this –really into it. And he didn’t seem to care whether anyone else did it or not. He was doing his thing.

I did a little questioning of some die-hard fans and they told me his story. It seems this guy is a passionate fan of the Phils and would come to every game, seat himself wherever, and do his arm swings. Pretty soon it caught on and the rest is history.

Stepping Into Your Passion

As I thought about the guy and his impact, it occurred to me that each one of us can have a huge impact on those around us—sometimes without being aware of it. The guy at the stadium is an ordinary guy whose passion is baseball. He simply stepped into his passion and through that made a difference in the world around him.

As a coach, I have often been brought to tears when some of my clients repeat back to me things I have said to them that helped them to change their lives. And sometimes it’s month or years later that they tell me. At the time I was just doing what I love—listening and engaging with the stories of others with the intention of helping them to be the best they can.

What Do You Love?

How about you? What is it that you have a passion for? Whatever it is, don’t tamp it down. Why not just do it simply because you really like to? Guaranteed that whatever it is, you’ll inspire others in some way by your own light. And even if you don’t, you’ll be having fun…

New Website

Like to find out more about my coaching offerings? Visit my new website: www.lifecoachingwithspirit.com and sign up for my mailing list. You can get a free coaching video if you sign up the first time you visit.

Choose Peace April 23, 2013

Posted by Ann Bertorelli in A Spiritual View, Personal Observations.
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I’ve been on a rampage of self-improvement and growth activities lately. I’m loving this period of time when I’m not seeing a whole lot of people or doing a  lot of activities, just going within and seeing what’s available there. I  highly recommend it—we all need to stop and take stock every once in a while. Oops, did you notice that rhymes or almost? Glad I’m not doing an audio blog. But I digress.

One thing I have been doing is working on a new web site to re-launch my life coaching practice, Life Coaching With Spirit. Stay tuned for that…

In the midst of a lot of internet research, I came across this wonderful video and I’d like to share it with just a few words afterward. (OK, maybe more than a few, but not that many.)

Tough Stuff Out There

There’s a lot of difficult stuff going on in the world today. Sometimes I feel like throwing up my hands and going to live in a cave somewhere—a cave with running water and a place for my sewing machine. However, I know that I can’t/won’t do that. It’s my job to stay and see what I can contribute to things. I recently listened to Wayne Dyer who quoted Lao-Tzu, the Chinese prophet who wrote the Tao Te Ching. He said, “A bad man is a good man’s job and a good man is a bad man’s teacher.” (insert woman too—no PC in China at that time)

Choose Peace in Your World

Those of us who want to make a difference a positive contribution to this crazy, crazy world would do well to choose peace for ourselves first—then we can be the model that others rely on.

What does that look like? Well, maybe it looks like NOT screaming “Asshole” at the guy who almost causes you to have an accident because he stopped in the middle of the turn lane. Or finding a way to see the another side to the story when your child is hurt by another. Or choosing not to yell at your kids when they don’t do their chores. Hmmm, could be a full time job. But how can we expect peace in the world when we don’t know how to have it within ourselves? As above, so below, as within, so without…

Sermonette over—for now.

–Amara

Reboot 2 April 17, 2013

Posted by Ann Bertorelli in Health.
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15day

Previously on this blog-I am on Day 10 (now 12) of a 15- day juice fast. I talked about getting a juicer and purchasing the fruits and vegetables. Now, juicing…

On to the nuts and bolts

The way this works is that you drink juice 5 times a day and eat no solid food. I must admit, though I like vegetables very much, I have not been crazy about the juices. I think it’s the combinations. The theory is that you have at least 20% vegetables in any juice you make. So while you may be making an apple juice it will have to have say, some carrots in it to balance. I have found that many of the juices are just too sweet for me and have taken to adding in lemons to balance out that sweetness. I have also found that celery in a juice is entirely too bossy so I have been substituting cucumbers instead.

Do I like the stuff?

In the face of not loving the juice, I just tell myself that I am doing great things for my body and drink it down. There is a dessert juice that is included every day and it is mostly fruit. Of course that is my favorite and while sweet, it has the sweet taste of fruits that I am accustomed to.

Hungry?

I have not been hungry through this process. I think my body knows how to live well on little food since I have done the HCG diet a number of times. So my energy level has been fine and I have not been cranky (at least no crankier than usual.) Fortunately I don’t have to cook for other people regularly so that removes the temptation of looking at food.

Effects

I have noticed that my creaky knees that I have injured so many times are not as creaky now. Also, my stomach is flatter than before. They say that carbs are not the friend of a flat stomach—I used to have a trainer who said that carbs go to your stomach. What a shame. When I die and go to heaven, I hope that I can eat all the carbs I want and stay thin, thin, thin. For a wonderful movie that shows a brilliant version of what heaven is like watch Defending Your Life with Meryl Streep. It’s one of my all-time favorite movies. And I digress—but it’s fun.

The jury is still out so to speak on what the ultimate effects of my Reboot will be. I’m hoping for a huge weight loss, perfect health, and radiant skin. It’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it. I’m sure that it will serve me in ways that I don’t yet realize. I have long wanted to go back to being vegetarian. And this experience is having me re-visit that intention and see it as possible. So far, so good…

Stay tuned.

–Amara

Reboot! April 15, 2013

Posted by Ann Bertorelli in Health.
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15day

I am in day 10 of a 15-day juice fast. Never thought I would do this but then again I never thought I would do the HCG plan either and I did.

Why Juice?

Why am I doing the juice thing? There are a couple of reasons—or maybe more than a couple. First, I was sick with a bad cold or a designer cold, as I like to call it, three times this winter. That shows me that my immune system is not where it needs to be. Second, I think spring is a very good time for a de-tox. Get rid of the comfort food residue from over the winter when it’s really really fun to eat. Comfort food for me usually means something with sugar or other high carbs. I don’t know about you but those are not the best things for my body. And third, it never hurts to lose a little weight. (Can’t believe I put that one third).

Fat Sick and Nearly Dead

Let me tell you where this all came from. It all started about six months ago when my tango teacher, Lori, told me about a documentary film called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead by an Australian filmmaker named Joe Cross. I was prepared to be very depressed by the film thinking it was a terrible story of someone’s health gone wrong. Instead I found it very uplifting. It’s Joe’s personal story of how he had an auto-immune condition that was keeping him on numerous medications without much success. He decided to go on a juice fast to see if he could heal his body.

The film documents his journey as well as two others who became inspired by what he accomplished. You can watch the movie in its entirety on YouTube with this link:  Fat Sick and Nearly Dead  He achieved amazing success and has made it a personal mission to help others do what he did to become more healthy. He calls it the ‘Reboot.’

A Reboot Community

So, on to my experience. I joined a 15-day Reboot group which is offered by a trained health coach working with Joe. I love this because there are conference calls and a message board so I can share and learn what others are doing. I also have access to the health coach for questions as they come up.

Gotta Get a Juicer

Next I had to get a juicer. First I bought a NutriBullet which was great except that it’s not a juicer. It is basically a high-powered blender. So back it went and I ended getting the juicer that Joe recommends which is a Breville (available on Amazon—where else?)

Mucho Fruits and Veggies

On to getting the fruits and veggies. One thing about this is that it is not an inexpensive venture. To buy the fruits and vegetables I needed for the first 5 days cost around $100. I am buying mostly but not all organic. Why juice if you’re going to put pesticides back in your body? Here is a list of the dirty dozen—fruits and veggies that you should buy organic if you want to avoid eating pesticides. Also on the list is the ‘clean 15’ which show the least amount of pesticides when tested. http://www.ewg.org/foodnews/summary/.

So next, JUICES!

I can see this post is getting a little long so stay tuned tomorrow or the next day for THE REST OF THE STORY….

–Amara